Anguish
by Penstorm
Summary: "She never wanted to see him in pain like that again." Post-ep for 6x02 "Dreamworld".


**Anguish**

It had all settled in now.

Kate's deep, brown eyes focused on his peaceful face, and she brought a hand from beneath the covers to his cheek, rubbing the pad of her thumb against his skin—cool, much to her relief. No sign of the fever that had been raging inside of him during that brief but agonizing period of time, his forehead glistening with sweat. God, she never wanted to see him in pain like that again.

Although he had spent the entire day at home recuperating from the harrowing experience, Castle had retired early, which was, to say the least, quite unlike him. Kate could certainly empathize with her partner; she had practically dragged herself to her car after the strenuous day at the precinct. On the way to the loft, she had taken the liberty of dropping by the store and retrieving a bottle of that special red wine of theirs, simply counting on the off chance that her fiancé would have the precious energy to be intimate with her later that evening.

God, that wine. It set her aflame every time. Every tingling, fluttering sensation she felt in response to Castle's actions (he _was _very good with his tongue, after all) seemed to be heightened, and it was only a matter of time before she was sent straight over the edge, frantically writhing at her peak.

Kate, however, came home to find her Castle sleeping soundly, and despite the burning lust she felt, she thought it would be unfair to wake him. So she quickly slipped into her pajamas and crawled under the sheets beside her love, who awakened only briefly to mutter an affirmation of his affection for her before drifting off again.

And now, he was completely at ease with the world, calm in the tranquility of his unconscious state of mind. Yes, he was entirely peaceful—if only she could be.

Kate Beckett was not the type of woman to wear her emotions on her sleeve. The last tears she had shed due to loss were caused by the death of Montgomery, and that had been nearly three years before. Yet, she could remember how painful those tears had been, how undying the accompanying anguish was. And in response to these recent circumstances, she had felt a familiar pain, the pang of distress and heartache taking over her body from the inside out.

She had stayed strong, all for Castle. Until she had the antidote in her possession, the detective was stoic, never allowing her motivation to falter. She could not afford any feelings of remorse to affect her mission—the mission to save her fiancé from certain death. Though fear hammered away inside of her, and the thought of losing him, the man she had chosen to spend the rest of her life with, was constantly whittling away at her mental state, Kate prevailed, and she ultimately achieved the savory success she desired all along.

But, now that she was allowed to reflect upon the whole, nearly tragic event, it fully sunk in. He currently lay swaddled in her arms, and Kate at last had her revelation. Had she lost this man, this man so close to her heart, she realized that she would never have recovered—never would have been complete again.

She had never felt such an intense love for any man before. Kate had truly fallen for him, and she had fallen hard. There had been infatuations in the past, and a few relationships here and there, but all had been meaningless compared to what she shared with Castle.

They had started a life together, began a new chapter in the ongoing novel that was their story—all _theirs_. With each page they turned, Kate's love for him grew, and she felt his love for her evolved more and more with every passing day.

For the first time in years, Kate was truly complete.

And to think, within a matter of moments, all the progress they had made together, the strength they had both gained from their presence in the lives of one another, could have been snatched away. Loving again would be a feat that would prove to be unattainable for the detective, and there would be no replacing Castle with a new partner. In _all_ respects, she resolved, Richard Castle was irreplaceable.

Kate could already feel the tears pricking at the corners of her eyes; her shaky, quivering exhale was a sure sign that the waterworks were on their way.

With a soft, surely inaudible whimper, she burrowed deeper into Castle's embrace, taking a moment to breathe deeply in an attempt to calm herself. From this day forward, she vowed to cherish everything about him, in case that one day, by some unspeakable, inexplicable event, she happened to lose him.

Kate adored all of her partner's quirks—every last one. And there were countless. Although at times he could be arrogant, presumptuous, and utterly full of himself, she couldn't imagine Castle without what made him, well, _Castle._

But then he could turn right around and be so incredibly tender, a trait that was especially accentuated when they made love. He always seemed so in tune with her desires and thoughts during their intimacy, and would often show concern throughout over whether he was causing her pain—though he rarely did.

Yes, they managed to remain professional in the workplace—but there had often been times when the two of them could scarcely keep their hands off of one another long enough to stumble into the loft, their passion fiery and burning hotter by the second, engulfing them in a blaze of temptation and lusty desire for one another.

A steady stream of tears began to roll down Kate's face, and she quickly brushed them away with the back of her hand. A soft sniffle arose from her as she pressed her forehead to Castle's chest, squeezing her eyes shut. Sleep couldn't come soon enough. She snuggled impossibly closer to him, her hands sprawled wide across his pectorals. Faintly, she felt Castle's heart pump beneath her palms—that familiar heartbeat that could have so quickly been halted.

Castle's protective grasp further embraced her, and the detective gathered all of her willpower simply to choke back a stubborn sob. It was no use. She needed a distraction—something, anything to take her mind off of her racing thoughts.

She pressed a gentle kiss to his chest, lightly tracing his pectorals with her delicate fingers. Castle murmured softly and incomprehensibly in his sleep, and the faintest of smiles tugged at the corners of his mouth, a sight that warmed Kate's heart.

Though she hated to leave him while they were so perfectly blended together, Kate was quickly losing all control of her rollercoaster of emotions. She couldn't handle the thought of awakening him now—not when he was so peaceful and visibly content. But she could no longer manage to swallow that growing lump in her throat, nor those vicious sobs behind it.

Carefully, Kate wriggled herself out of the lock that was Castle's embrace and the cocoon of sheets tangled around them. She slowly at up in bed, mindful not to disturb her sleeping partner, and buried her face in her hands with a tearful exhale, rubbing her weary, watery eyes.

As Kate made a motion to swing her legs over the side of the bed, a hand caught her by the arm, and she swallowed a gasp, being taken entirely by surprise. After all of these years in her profession, Castle could always manage to catch her off-guard. Nevertheless, she honestly hadn't expected him to awaken so easily—not after what he had been through.

"Kate?" Castle whispered, a lonely tone surfacing in his voice. "Where're ya goin'?" he slurred into the fabric of his pillow, somewhat needy, his blue eyes reflecting a pining for her.

Kate managed a simper, settling down and lovingly caressing his face in her hands.

"Nowhere, babe." she assured him, softly and loyally. "Just to the bathroom."

Castle hummed in response, gazing drowsily up at her with a loving smile plastered upon his face.

"Don't stay gone too long." he murmured, accepting a kiss from her.

"I won't." she promised him, tenderly brushing back his disheveled hair.

She offered him a final kiss to his forehead before hurriedly sauntering into the master bath, shutting the door firmly behind her and locking it with resolve. She immediately retreated to the sink, nearly stumbling over in her distress.

Kate gasped with a sob that at last managed to work its way from her throat, and she forcefully twisted the handles of the sink, desperately hoping the sound of the water cascading from the faucet would mask her weeping.

"God, _Rick." _she moaned in a pained whisper, her shoulders wracking severely with a hiccuping sob.

She instantly slapped her hands to her face, catching the cascading teardrops in her palms, though several still managed to slip through her fingers.

Kate felt her knees buckle beneath her, and she staggered back, leaning against the wall for support. She slid downward until she was in a sitting position, and curled her entire body inward, hugging her knees to her chest. Kate Beckett, the toughest detective in New York, was crying like a child—the innocent little girl she once was, all too long ago.

She let it all out—all the pain she had been holding in for the past hours, desperate for a release. The sobs tumbled from her lips without hesitation. Her lungs heaved, her heart was slowly breaking, but it was all so liberating, as if a tremendous weight was being lifted from her shoulders. All that pain of losing Castle was being whittled away, albeit little by little.

Her sobs at last began to quiet down, her brief but uncontrollable hiccups beginning to grow scarcer. Softly, she continued to whimper, pining for the warmth of human contact—namely, Castle's loving embrace.

Kate weakly rose to her feet, brushing tears from her cheeks with the backs of her hands. She sighed mournfully, an immense amount of pressure being let go, all at once.

Luckily, she had the day off tomorrow—or, rather, today. She had no clue what time it really was, nor just how long it would be before Castle came knocking.

She firmly planted her hands on the counter of the sink, continuing to wrangle up her composure, though she knew she was fighting a losing battle. Her emotions weren't finished getting the best of her quite yet.

Kate glanced up from the position in which she was hunched, leaning forward to gaze into her thoroughly reddened eyes. Her cheeks were visibly tear-stained, and so she cupped her hands under the cool stream of running water and splashed her face, the chilling sensation soothing the heat of her flushed skin.

There was a soft knocking at the door, and with a gasp, Kate anxiously switched off the water and took a moment to inhale deeply, unable to avoid an inevitable sniffle.

"Y-yeah, come in." she granted, her voice quavering.

_Just act natural._

The door creaked open, and Castle quietly stepped over the threshold clad in nothing but his boxers, leaning against the doorjamb for support in his lingering exhaustion. Although he knowingly stared her down, drilling his eyes into hers, Kate refused to give in.

But that steady, loving gaze of his, it could wear her down to nothing in a matter of moments.

"Wh-what is it?" she spoke, slightly furrowing her brow.

"Kate, I—" Castle hesitated, approaching her, not knowing the best way to put his thoughts into words. "I, um...heard you?"

The upward inflection in his tone suggested disbelief—rightly so.

So he had heard her crying. Well, she hadn't exactly been all that subtle.

"Oh..." Kate muttered under her breath, shame flooding her cheeks with a scarlet flush as she dipped her head, brushing back a stray tendril of hair with a sorrowful countenance.

"That's not like you." he observed, mirroring her expression of distress.

And he was absolutely correct. This sort of display was very much unlike her, but it was out of her control, and couldn't possibly begin to explain the jumble of emotions in which she was drowning. Kate had an ill feeling that another imminent episode, perhaps even more frantic than the last, was looming within her and would momentarily begin to unravel.

Kate swallowed hard, unable to conjure up sufficient English. She simply gazed blankly at her love, who gazed right back at her. Those beautiful blue eyes, the adoring gaze she never would have seen again—her heart wrenched painfully inside of her chest.

"You okay?" he asked softly, taking a step forward, both azure windows to his soul reflecting a completely warranted hint of concern.

And there it was—all at once, her walls came crumbling down.

Kate's lips trembled almost childishly, and she vigorously shook her head, a fresh flow of tears spilling from her eyes. She buried her face in her hands, momentarily sensing Castle approaching her, the floor creaking underneath his weight. He gingerly enveloped her in a pair of muscular arms, hugging her lithe and quivering form tightly in his grasp.

"Hey, hey," Castle murmured gently, ruffling her hair with his nose.

"Rick, I almost lost you." Kate sobbed, hiccuping in an uncontrollable spasm. Castle gripped her tighter, but even his hold of her was unable to tame her heaving shoulders.

He swallowed a lump that had lodged itself in his throat, pressing a soothing kiss to her head.

"But you didn't. I'm still here, Kate." Castle whispered, rocking her slowly as he swayed from side to side. "C'mon," he added, stepping back and taking her by the hand.

With a nod, Kate acquiesced, and she allowed him to lead her back to bed. The instant she hit the sheets, she found her way into Castle's arms, clinging possessively to her love.

Castle simply held her close in the silence that ensued, the sole sound in the loft being Kate's muffled sobs.

He had never before witnessed her express her sorrow so strongly, without hesitation.

"Castle," Kate whispered, sniffling against his bare chest.

"Hmm?" Castle hummed, stroking her cheeks with the pads of his thumbs.

He tenderly kissed her forehead, and Kate's lips twitched with the faintest of smiles, despite the circumstances.

"When I lost my mom, I didn't think I would ever fill that void it left in my life." she explained, and Castle listened intently, his blue eyes reflecting an adoration that, up until she had begun loving him, Kate had never known. "But now I realize that I have—with you, babe." she professed, her voice faltering tearfully. Moisture was beginning to completely blur her vision.

Castle cracked a smile, the corners of his eyes crinkling—just the way Kate loved. She gave a soft, pleasured moan as her fiancé brought a hand to rest upon the small of her back, pulling her further into his embrace.

Kate's tears continued to flow, seemingly without end, and Castle was desperate to assuage his love's blatant pain. All he could do was hold her—for as long as she needed him.

Kate piped up again, sniffling softly. "If I lost you, Rick, I—"

"That'll never happen, Kate." Castle murmured, combing through her curls with his fingers.

His partner shook her head, and he frowned.

"Th-that's what I keep telling myself, but today...you were almost taken away from me." Kate whispered shakily, gripping his biceps with her trembling hands. She gazed solemnly into his azure eyes, snuggling closer to him in her distress, as if he would somehow be ripped away from her.

"I _love _you."

"I love you, too." Castle replied without hesitation, nuzzling his nose to hers with an endearing grin. "And that's why," he added, draping his leg over hers, "I'm afraid you're stuck with me, Ms. Beckett."

Castle gave a delighted groan as he kissed her, and Kate released the softest of giggles into his mouth.

She would be proud to call herself Mrs. Castle. Kate Castle certainly had a nice ring to it.

* * *

_Thanks for reading! Reviews are appreciated!_


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